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Sunday, May 14th, 2006
5:57 pm
the places i'm going are crazy.you have no idea
we are getting to the edge of the 'lasts', this sunday is not but the next will be, this monday is not but the next will be. i've acquired a sense of urgency that's honestly shocking to me, &i'm crying at red lights &wearing red lipstick &so clearly not at all ready for what's happening, what was only implied for so long but is now a reality of mine that i really must acknowledge. acknowledgment comes in many sickly forms, &choking out bile or shutting my eyes for longer than just blinking or wearing dirty clothes with dirty stockings &dirty underwear/ acknowledgment bares its head. i am generally pressed into the crease between my sloppy bed &my dirty wall, urging this head to wear a wig, compromising at aforementioned dirty undergarments, liking how incongruous its all become. my plans for the coming week are to speed myself up without spinning out, to produce grandiose accounts of everything that has ever been anything, &to package these things as academia worthy of praise..or at least complacence.

here are the words that i say: x
here are the things they convey: y

it's like cybersex only so vanilla it's never met a chocolate chip, it's like 7th grade slowdancing without bumping hips, it's like puppies in pounds upturned indian burial mounds unsuccessful grocery shopping trips ropeclimbing but with no grip &scratching with no nails &sailing with no sails & mailboxes with no mail,

or at least it will be
(this)
(my life)
soon. so
i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you
&when i'm avoiding (dot dot dot dash dash)
it's only
cause
i'm thinking
of you.

Current Mood: get off the internet
Friday, March 10th, 2006
1:44 am
it's like unexplained explanations
i didn't want to be overdramatic, so i'm not saying it out loud. i think i've finally come to terms with mortality, click! you die when you're too tired. yr mind doesn't get to control it, but yr body does. that shouldn't be terrifying-- you have that control. sometimes you might have a long time, die when you're old, just worn out, too much wear &tear. even if you're in a car accident, shot, have cancer-- i'm sure you get a second to realize yr body can't take it. you're too tired. you go to sleep. maybe you even dream. i hope.




order:
intp max
infp me
infj ben
enfj jd
Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
2:35 am
if you think i'm gonna tell you
you find yrself this way, some days--
nestled into the womb of the bathtub, imagining eloquent ways to describe the dual greens of the conditioner &body wash bottles just eyelash-length away from yr eyelashes,
realizing you sound like a journalist, or worse, a narcissist.

this is all after the intermediary bathtub stage, the tilted sitting up, the body-realizations. you realize the doughy whiteness& fatness of yr stomach, yr breasts. you are a gigantic replica of those stone goddess figurines every good pagan feminist has on her mantle, or in her garden.

the hot water emphasizes every singular hair follicle, &it is taxing to stop the plucking once you've started. this is not yr individual stress-behavior, you are pretty sure, but this does not exempt you from the obsessiveness that such an undertaking demands.

there is an unruly child &a nervous caretaker. there are things the smart one does-- cuts the child's nails so short that hand-holding &fist-clenching are not dangers, but these small attempts at safety are just so small, &equally contrived.

you promise yrself you will speak softly now that you've accidentally learned. you begin to promise yrself that you will ameliorate the logical reasoning* that finds you in this poorly lit, institutional bathroom-- but come to think better of it.

*there is a time that john roewert &i were both alive,
&there will be a time, also, when we are both dead.
there is this time now while i am alive &he is dead,
&unless things are different than i've come to think they are, there is no time where i am dead &he is alive.


alternately,


1 25 page paper is due 3 weeks ago.
9 hours in the library are required for 1 paragraph.
2 paragraphs equal 1 page.
18 hours equal 1 page.
450 hours equal 25 pages.
450 hours equal 18.75 days.


yeah?
Tuesday, February 28th, 2006
1:38 pm
of course of course
i've tried to speak honestly &often about my &my family's collective neuroses. that doesn't mean anyone is ready for what might be on its way, nor are they (you) expected to be. prepping on my part can start today, with apologies &this overly cryptic-sounding warning. it's just, in my 9 hours &1 paragraph in the library today, i failed to visit the one website that wouldn't have been a complete waste of time:

• Persistent sad, anxious or empty mood
• Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased appetite and weight gain
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities, including sex
• Irritability or restlessness
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering or making decisions
• Fatigue or loss of energy
• Persistent physical symptoms that don’t respond to treatment (such as chronic pain or digestive disorders)
• Feeling guilty, hopeless or worthless

of course. things haven't been this meaningless since that last time..of course.

&this talking about it on the internet thing isn't meant to be a copout or avoidance. this..is..an awkward attempt at dialogue before i drop out of school or can't be sober or do something else idiotic.
Wednesday, February 8th, 2006
12:22 am
i'd lost track of this, of my devotion to this.

whitman is helping:
All goes onward and outward—nothing collapses;
And to die is different from what any one supposed, and luckier.


http://www.bartleby.com/142/14.html

&
There was never any more inception than there is now,
Nor any more youth or age than there is now;
And will never be any more perfection than there is now,
Nor any more heaven or hell than there is now.
Friday, October 7th, 2005
7:51 pm
yesterday i was very grumpy &sad. i could think of no reason. today i am remembering how much sleep i haven't had lately, how much water i haven't been drinking, how much candy i've been eating, trying to keep up with myself/my peers/my expectations/my obligations.

luckily, i have the best friends in the world &luckily i have enough sense to know that friends are the most important. there have been these seemingly inconseguential times these past few weeks - driving home from the airport with ben &gabriel, eating burritos with kim &megan, riding bikes, braving the cafeteria, just walking around - where i have realized how unbelievably, undeniably in love i am.

i don't know if everyone's life is this perfect. i mean, i have all this anxiety &maybe i'm a little sad &a little in credit card debt &my room is messy with a half-painted wall, &oh! i'm quite quite behind in my academic endeavors but uhmmm.
life, just itself, with so many things fucked up, is so perfect. we.are.seriously.fucking.lucky.

Current Mood: loved
Monday, September 12th, 2005
3:32 pm
head shoulders knees
august 30, or my liberal arts education part 1
today i had classes &blah blah blah. i tried to donate blood but was rejected because my iron reading was so low that it was actually not a reading at all-- it just said LLL (la leche league, anyone?). ben &i worked out in bright colors, yelling about various weight machines like the fags we are. my muscles may have been atrophy central for the past few months but i've still got some lesbian thighs, in case you were worried. i considered smoking pot, doing acid, or drinking gin &tonics but ben left to do some reading before other activity. after some time making new screen names &talking to my exgirlfriend about my current crushhh, i drew a bath while simultaneously boiling water for some delicious msg-laden oriental ramen on my very-illegal-especially-as-an-ra hot plate. with my air conditioning at 60 (cause fuck, i don't pay for it!) i soaked in the old spice bubble bath i'd prepared myself while eating ramen out of the pot it'd been prepared in-- with a plastic fork. i'd resigned myself to spending a quiet evening alone when the telltale blind melon midi came on my phone-- ben calling to tell me that we were going to triangles, the gay bar that had never been in the plans-- for free drinks. 15 minutes later i was in the car with ben, gabriel, &margie, headed for none other than martin luther king avenue itself. while we sipped on free gin &tonics &vodka crans two noteworthy individuals approached us-- a fag who asked us if we went to 'hair school' &would later do poppers with us, &a straight ex-christian who hit on margie, asked if we went to art school, &we think was probably the aforementioned fag's crystal dealer!! i am going to sleep now in order to wake up at a reasonable time so i can a)finally convert my pounds &euros into dollars, b)buy my favorite 'expensive' ramen at the oriental market i am suddenly convinced i will be able to find, & c)read about new urbanism, master planz &OH UM WORK OUT AGAIN my life is so nice it sounds fake!!


septemper 1, or my liberal arts education part 2
oh my life is so decadent. this weekend i danced to all of my favorite songs &watched other people dance to them too, then i cuddled up in the cave of my bed with some of my best friends, only leaving for brunch. later i..did nothing, napped, watched a movie, wore a matching bathrobe with another dear, dear, friend, &had another sleepover. &another brunch. today i walked around this beautiful place that i am so lucky to spend so much time at, my school, my home. (man, comma crazy!). i came back into this big green room i live in to take a bath, read buddenbrooks (thomas mann's not so critically-acclaimed novel), drink this delicious broth i've been obsessed with ever since ben made me try it, &um ohhh ah bela bartok in the background of it all. now i'm eating ice &goldfish, the perfect end to a day of preschool-like consumption of gatorade, grapes &a pear, peanut butter crackers..?! silly. oh, &this was supposed to be both vague &short, &the point was this:
last night i had this dream that i was so happy i had to kill myself. my reasoning was that it made sense to end at the pinnacle, the climax-- i wanted to go out, i guess, with a bang. this, of course, isn't a true representation of my life or how i feel. i am deleriously happy these days, fulfilled by my love for these people who love me back so hard, but i also know that every relationship i build, every experience i collect, also serves the dual purpose of helping me hone my interests, my love into something that can only get bigger &better. i guess i can't properly convey these thoughts, guess i might not ever get them just right &the real, realest purpose of this was i guess to serve as a thank you note because i can't keep up with paper &pens these days, but because i am so so in love with you, because each one of you means something important &perfect &special &imperfect to me, because i'm so glad, so lucky not to be doing this whole life &learning thing without you.


it's a good thing i'm so fucking posi these days, or else falling off my bike directly onto my bad knee after my last class would have been super killer. speaking of killer, this pain killer is kicking in so i'm going to slizeep (rather than having one of you drive me to the emergency room, which is what my mother thinks is the right decision for right now) UMMMMM damn.

Current Mood: sad
Wednesday, August 31st, 2005
11:44 pm
covered up with grieving,
is that a real thing?
(or a paraphrase of the mind?)
11:44 pm
seldom,
in a lineup our names touch
(i like it)
&seldom,
i wanna keep you.
seldom,
Friday, August 26th, 2005
10:37 pm
1
by frank o'hara

Lana Turner has collapsed!
I was trotting along and suddenly
it started raining and snowing
and you said it was hailing
but hailing hits you on the head
hard so it was really snowing and
raining and I was in such a hurry
to meet you but the traffic
was acting exactly like the sky
and suddenly I see a headline
LANA TURNER HAS COLLAPSED!
there is no snow in Hollywood
there is no rain in California
I have been to lots of parties
and acted perfectly disgraceful
but I never actually collapsed
oh Lana Turner we love you get up

2
by solomon

today i am in such a bad mood (for no reason, even!) that i have decided to a)not paint my room any more b)not kiss anyone until 2006 at least c)not go to england in january d)resize pictures &listen to other people talking in french instead of being fun.
Saturday, August 6th, 2005
9:02 am
the bars of cliche &addiction.
lately i am liking all kinds of things i never knew i'd like. inversely, i am approaching the point of having to spit out: mushrooms, olives, raisins; spit on: confederate flags. really, though, i think it's less intolerance &more finely-refined/defined tastes. this just in: i am maybe a real person now. at the very least, i am on my way. it is thrilling, &so are you.

Current Mood: being free.
Wednesday, August 3rd, 2005
4:06 am
how does yr mind work
how does yr mind work
pink walls pink walls i've
set myself up for very fun failure in the coming 8 to 12 monthszzzz
Friday, July 22nd, 2005
6:11 am
a little queasy &a little something else
starlight mints - buena vista
suburban kids with biblical names - wrent a reck
call &response - map
the charlatans - can't even be bothered
the dears - end of a hollywood bedtime story
nepo - yer warpin' me
afraid of stairs - not today
frog eyes - orbis magnes
electric soft parade - sleep alone
headphones - natural disaster
great lake swimmers - bodies &minds
hot chip - crap kraft dinner
mirah - oh!september
edson - when the mind suffers the body cries out
wolf parade - you are a runner and i am my father's son
conway savage - never going to see you again
wilco - at least that's what you said
spiritualized - anyway that you want me
sun kil moon - pancho villa


is the cd i want to make you but i can't find any blank ones.

Current Mood: if the library would open..
Tuesday, July 19th, 2005
3:54 pm
i love how the internet affords me an obsession with teeth, despite my own reluctance to remove myself from the computer in order to clean mine
Saturday, July 16th, 2005
10:50 pm
man, it is hard to read back in this journal ¬ feel like i'm not spouting posi bullshit every day, &for no good reason. my entire family is medicated because depression just comes to us naturally, &i've been so stubbornly avoiding it, stubbornly making other plans with no intentions of follow-through, even. the mature &aware part of my brain reminds me that my summer has been nothing less than white-student-privilege-blowout, but not leaving the house to not take bullshit from some shit boss at my nonexistent job means in one short, miserable week i've set myself up for the kind of failure that clearing out the kitchen cupboards &only waking up for the night indicates. &back i go, nauseated, to a dark bedroom that's mine at least for the night.

Current Mood: um, dramatic, clearly.
Saturday, July 9th, 2005
7:23 am
a desmond daddy
independence
olympics
music
bombings
meetings


i am having trouble convincing myself to change out of the clothing i wore on the drive to georgia. it's not that i'm depressed-- this place is just so stifling, a little box of an apartment &i'm turning the temperature lower &lower. KILLER HURRICANE, i'd appreciate it quite a lot if you'd wait until i was home to continue DIRECTING SELF AT FLORIDA, just like i wished for tony blair &people with bloody faces that this stupid fucking attack had happened somewhere already frenzied &panicky, american &so, naturally unnaturally unspecific, a copy of another city we've already got 8 of. (my lack of control's not surprising, but is my need for control alarming?) these days i'm like a telemarketer, soliciting participation from people already fulfilled by their surroundings, &this is the only thing i'm doing to keep the calories down. i'm living quite generically in next year, already, guarding my heart from all the failures that will maybe come by involving myself directly with only decorating plans, workout regimens, jobs filling positions so unfilled there will be nothing but success. &happiness, hopefully of course i mean happiness. i can't imagine myself there just 6 months from now, but then i pause/reconsider &have to remember that it's much easier to just stay still.
that
but i'm feeling so sick
where are you
you you?
i feel a nosebleed coming on. perhaps this afternoon i shall take a brisk walk, make a craft, or officially join mensa, once &for all. or. perhaps not.
Thursday, July 7th, 2005
2:01 pm
london, londonlondon, london
ben &i woke up this morning with his mom hovering over the bed, maybe she'd been talking for a while but the first thing i heard her say was 'have you heard from skye?''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''i never want to wake up like that again/ hate morning panic anyway &the questions that accompany,
but you were all in different little towns away from the olympics &al queda, except for toby, &he's alright, yeah?


fucking jesus.london.
we're mourning with you tonight.

Current Mood: distressed
Sunday, July 3rd, 2005
8:25 pm
you know, if i had the same hangups i had abt love &monogamy this time last year-- still-- my life wldn't be nearly as amazing as it is. convinced that there was one person who i was supposed to seek out as a supplement to my self meant that i was constantly angry because i, alone, was not enough for the world &then, in addition, i was sad because i, with my insecurities &rough edges, cld not be a good half to someone smoother, more subtle to me. so WHY am i describing personality in terms of consistency &where'd i get this plan for happiness that involved needles/glue when i'm such a velcro girl/always?

in georgia i was both homesick for places i'd only visited &completely at home though i'd never been to that particular place before. in the midst of sandwiches &dance clubs i realized that my capacity for happiness was infinite. i had this thought: i love my friends so much, i am in love with my friends so much that their smiles make me laugh, their laughter (&maybe this is too sentimental, too intense) can sometimes make me cry. i find this satisfaction-- this elation-- this completion so beautiful &perfect. i am so lucky to know, to have this answer handed to me after what might be called patience in misery.

it's the perfect weather for watching shit movies &eating popsicles alone, listening to new bands, throwing things away, taking baths, getting distracted from my plans for 9pm phone calls by baby lizards, thank you cards &packages, mix cds, the discovery of a stockpile of fake meat in the secondary freezer-- &i miss people who are 40 minutes away, i miss people who are 8 hours away, i miss people 6 years ago &6 years from now-- i miss what i must &love what i can, pushing myself forward with last night's barbeque pool party love, pushing myself forward with tonight's love on the telephone, excited abt the next time i will get to act it-- do it-- instead of just being it. if i wasn't happy i'd be making a bad decision.

Current Mood: happy
Saturday, July 2nd, 2005
2:06 am
a bottle of wine, bottles of cider, another bottle of wine.
i gave myself an la haircut circa 2004,
got angry for a fucking stupid reason &played with a basset hound.

i miss you, i'm having trouble doing this.
but i won't say .i can't.
Friday, July 1st, 2005
8:53 pm
god doesn't always have the best goddamn plans
my house doesn't even have a toaster, just a fucking suburban toaster oven &i'm trying to open my mind?

starlight mints - jimmy cricket
screamin' jay hawkins - frenzy
haircut 100 - calling captain autumn
kaiser chiefs - na na na na naa
small faces - baby don't you do it
the coral - spanish main
45 grave - anti anti anti
wolf parade - modern world
dinosaur jr. - little fury things
the charlatans - can't even be bothered
great lake swimmers - bodies and minds
electric soft parade - sleep alone
frog eyes - picture framing the gigantic men who fought on steam boats
the duke spirit - dark is light enough
regina spektor - us
damien rice - the blower's daughter
sun kil moon - glenn tipton
the octopus project - the adjustor
the undertones - male model
abc - love at the first sight
saint etienne - lightning strikes twice
goldfrapp vs. rachel stevens - sweet dreams my strict machine
rachel stevens - so good
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